Version 2.058

Today was my nephew's 19th birthday. I tried to be focused on him all day. I have loved this baby since before he was born and I have so many mixed feelings about all the pain that exists in the world. I understand that one cannot grow as a person without experiencing pain and adversity, but the thought of a child having to grow up in our world completely creates a feeling of deep revulsion in me. Perhaps that is why I failed at becoming a mother.

But, as an aunt, I try to convey all the love and admiration I have for my nephew, while not being overly condescending. I do not believe that someone will be happy with themselves without cultivating high expectations and superb ethics. I suppose, I am expecting my nephew to be an emigrant as myself. We shall see. I have never spoken to him about it.

Mike, the lawn guy, swung by today. He strikes me as as much socially dysfunctional as myself. Since I was cooking dinner, I sent him home with some of the food I cooked, plus a bottle of white wine. A few months ago, he had told me that he had started to drink white wine and he had been enjoying it. I suggested some vinho verde, but I'm not sure if he followed through.

Sometime this afternoon, I started to feel ill. I think it is allergies because I feel tired and have a bit of a sore throat. I is nothing that I haven't felt before, but one wonders if our memory serves us well. A few days ago, I brought an Asian lily into the house and its scent has been overwhelming, to say the least. So maybe that is the cause of my discomfort. I took it to the garage and turned on an air purifier. I do feel a lot better now.

Once I realized that I was not feeling well, I emailed my boss and a coworker because I was afraid that I would not perform well in tomorrow's meeting. I warned that I might not be as perky as usual, but, a few minutes later, my coworker assuaged my fears: he let me know that I am never perky. I suppose one cannot fail at something in which one does not succeed, so tomorrow should be a great day.