Version 2.099

I had a glimpse of myself today and felt caught between emotion and reason. Yes, I understand that there have been countless periods in history that are much, much worse than this. And I get that so far I have not been affected by any of it; if anything, working from home has actually helped me become more focused and productive. But still, it feels like we still have to go through so much until we get to a better place. 

It feels like so many more people will have to suffer for us to find our way out. Why must progress be made on the back of the most vulnerable? Why do the people in power who portray themselves as caring fail to care enough to prevent bad things from happening? I don't want someone who cries over spilled milk; I prefer to have the milk stay in the jar. Our leaders need to take their emotion and affection and shove it where the sun doesn't shine.

So the government in Lebanon resigned today over the explosion in Beirut. A while back, maybe almost two years ago, I had watched Sex and Love Around The World, hosted by Christiane Amanpour and in one episode she visited Beirut to explore how people manage to have intimacy under war. I recall a woman who seemed to be well off, but just spent all her money as soon as she got it because she lived under the fear that any moment could be the last, so what was the point of saving or holding on to something? Instead, she was always coiffed, made up, well dressed. Of all the episodes I watched and testimonials that I heard, her story was the one that stuck to me probably because it is the antithesis of who I am.

After the explosion, someone posted a video on social media of a woman playing the piano in her apartment in Beirut, where you could see debris from the accident, which had shattered the windows and damaged the walls. It's like over time you become desensitized to all the bad things around you and just find the way to move forward, maybe you go out to get your hair done or maybe you play the piano. That's how people make it out: you have to stop caring, you have to move on, to build a type of normalcy that feels artificial in the middle of abnormality.