sábado, 11 de julho de 2020

Version 2.068

Today was report day and I did get stressed out enough about it that I got the beginning of an anxiety attack. I just wanted to crawl into a hole and feel very small. It's part of the thrill, I supposed, plus I do not get nervous over anything else hardly.

When I was a child, I lived in constant social anxiety mode. I could not talk to people, I could not ask for directions or greet people, I could not call a stranger on the phone. Every time I needed to do anything like that, I would hold my breath and count to three, then count a second time, until finally doing it. This whole ritual of dealing with anxiety seems so foreign now, like it was not even me. It dissipated after I moved to the U.S.

Today's anxiety is slightly different. I revisit everything in my head wondering what I may have missed, looking for systematic errors in the analysis. It is similar to what I did after exams, when I would go over the exam after taking it and correct it in my head. I would know exactly which questions I got wrong. How can one know, somewhere inside of us, that it is the wrong answer and still make the mistake? That is why I obsess over it again and again, overanalyze, and overthink everything. That is the only way that you can get better, but it does make you look like you lack in spontaneity.

We had over 65 thousand cases of coronavirus today in the U.S. The economy continues to open, but people are being more careful because the numbers are so grim. I spoke to one of my friends and she nows wears a mask all the time while at work. In May when I spoke to her as e were coming out of lockdown she said she wore it sometimes only, when she interacted with people. I have not seen her since before Christmas and I was not with her on her birthday, so I still have her presents from both occasions. She asked me if I had sewn a mask for her as a present, but I have been too lazy to sew.

Julian wanted to ride in the car today, so we went for a very long drive. I stopped by my hold house to check on the hostas that I planted years ago. They are big now and look pretty. The garden does not look well kept and the neighborhood has lost trees, which is not surprising considering that some of the trees were very large and looked old. We have had some powerful storms recently.

I loved the garden in that house. It was shaped as a triangle and around the fence, which formed a long V, there was a strip of overgrown vegetation and small trees that covered the fence itself. When you walked outside, you felt like you were on the edge of a forest. The window on the breakfast nook fced east and occupied the whole wall. I could sit at the table with a cup of tea or coffee and just stare outside for hours. I do like my current house better, but I miss the other garden.

After stalking the house, we went to Shelby Farms and strolled along Hyde Lake just for a bit. It was very hot and there were so many people out, many of them scattered on the grass in chairs and on picnic blankets. We are very lucky here in Memphis because we have lots of public parks full of lush vegetation and bodies of water.

On our drive, we took Massey Rd, which is one of my favorites in East Memphis, between Poplar Pike and Quince Rd. That neighborhood is just stunning. There are coves along Massey full of mature trees that perfectly frame the houses. The effects of light and shade, the different tones of green, everything feels quite magical.

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